Here lies Squidward’s Hopes and Dreams
There’s a line of thought that strongly encourages manifesting the ideal future. If you speak it, it will come through the clouds to fanfare and cheers. I tend to not believe that sort of thing, but given that this is a season of change, I think I might as well.
I’ve left a relationship to someone who truly did understand me and — subsequently — realized that I was not someone who could give her the type of love she wanted. After a lot of weeping and gnashing of teeth, I was able to process what that meant for me and what it meant to me.
- I’m still not quite fully healed.
I’m someone who clutches desperately to trauma. All of my relationships have been attempts to have a comfortable relationship with a female figure since the one with my mother is extremely brittle. Sadly, I do feel like a lot of myself is still scarred from the traumas of growing up: the lack of control, the lack of privacy, and even the lack of physical touch and affection.
Subsequently, I don’t think I’ve ever really had the time or mental bandwidth to let myself discover who I am beyond the worldview of my parents or my peers.
I want to be myself around people, and unfortunately, there really isn’t a lot there right now.
2. I’m excited to be someone.
I feel like I define myself by my hobbies and not much else. I have these things that I love to do, but none of them really feel like they belong to me. However, I do feel like I am a writer. Maybe not a great one, but I do love working on communicating my thoughts to the wider audience.
I am also a thinker. Maybe even an over-thinker. I like refining my ideas, but I treasure the thinking process. Even if there is a more straightforward way to describe things, I love going into the rudiments of why I chose to think like that.
Yet, these don’t really feel like sustainable definitions when it comes to interacting with a group. I don’t want to always write to appeal those that read it. Much like, I’m not trying to expose my mind to the privy and dissection of those around me.
But I am a giver. I like to give what I can to others, but I’m rarely proactive. Maybe that can become something. So I’m trying to start giving what I can to others who don’t ask, but need.
3. I don’t need to be locked into patterns
Ironically, I think the two points above really capture what I learned. But I feel like every list of analysis needs three. So the third is the tongue-in-cheek, don’t try to be something.
I want to fail. I want to rebuild. I want to do something I haven’t done, so I know who I am.
Maybe I’ll even write more.
Yours Truly,
Wilson Xu
